Loneliness

“The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.” - Mother Teresa

Seems like even though you know that you are loved most of the times, there are times when loneliness sets in and you feel unloved. Everyone is so busy with their lives that you think you don't exist to anyone. You want to reach out to someone, then you change your mind because you feel you might be imposing on them or you are just too embarass to admit you need someone. It gets frustrating because you just don't have anyone to talk to and you start feeling so hopeless and crushed. You feel you cannot breathe because that feeling of loneliness is so stifling. Then you just stay there with laboured breath waiting for someone to notice and pick you up. Sadly, sometimes, no one cares. You feel rejected when they reach out to people who seem to not need it. They go merrily on their way not noticing that you are now curled on the floor with no more strength to ask for help.

Then suddenly something inside you jolts you to reality. The survivor in you tells you that you have to pick yourself up and say "this too shall pass". You realise for others to reach out to you, you must first reach out to them but you cannot possibly do that when you are feeling so down. So, you have to cast that low feeling aside. And then you say your first hello after that dark episode with that person not knowing what pain you just went through because it has passed.

“We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.” - Orson Welles

Memories of 2009

Soon, it will be a year since we moved back to Germany. We arrived in the dead of winter and went through all four seasons. Well, almost all four. We were short changed this year. We barely had a decent summer and it seemed mother nature decided to jump straight into winter. 2009 has been a good year, on the whole.

Coming back to a familiar territory made it easier for me to adapt compared to the first time in 2001. Language wasn't too much of a barrier this time. I remember not having a clue how to order in a restaurant back then and got by with hand signs and a book. Driving around wasn't a challenge either. We used to get by with maps before and now, apart from being familiar with some roads, we depend on the GPS to bring us to places we have not ventured to before.

I delved into gardening this year and had a blast of a time discovering the beauty and yield of trees and plants that the landlord left behind for us. It was a treat to pick cherries, plums and blackberries from my garden. Apart from that, I enjoyed seeing the change of colours over the months with the different kinds of flowers that adorned my garden. With a few months' worth of trial and error taking care of my garden, I am looking forward to next Spring to try out new things.

2009 was a memorable year in terms of re-connecting with old friends, relatives (some long lost) and making new ones. Facebook took up a lot of my time. I was hooked on word games like Word Twist and Scramble. Then, I moved on to farming games like Farm Town, Farm Ville and (Lil) Farm. Lately, Cafe World and Mafia Wars have stolen hours of my life. :) It is fun being able to play this games with family and some friends. Suddenly my world does not seem so vast. Almost everyone is just a click away. I could have used this kind of contact when I first moved away from Malaysia. It would have soothe my aching heart from missing my loved ones.

A wedding took place in the family too and I was fortunate to visit Malaysia twice this year. Once in July and another time in October. Apart from the excitement being with family again, sometimes emptiness set in. The void that no one else can fill except my late parents. I missed them at family dinners and especially during the wedding reception. One thing I know for sure, mom and dad would have loved my brother's bride. He couldn't have chosen a more delightful woman to be his partner.

I have learned and re-learned many things in 2009 and one of it is to always be thankful for what I have - family, friends and things that make my life comfortable.

My French Connection - Final Part

Note: Gosh! A thousand apologies for this late update. Thank you, my friends, for leaving comments. It has been so difficult for me to blog when I had other distractions these past few months.

While I was folding some clothes in the laundry room this evening, I told myself that I have to write the final part, no matter how short it is, and end the story of my journey in France earlier this year.

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We arrived Lourdes around 6:00pm. Once we received our room keys, we dispersed very quickly. Indeed, we were in need of another good shower and change of clothing before dinner.

A brief information about this place:

Lourdes is a commune in the Hautes-Pyrénées department in south-western France. It is a small market town lying in the foothills of the Pyrenees, famous for the Marian apparitions of Our Lady of Lourdes that are reported to have occurred in 1858 to Bernadette Soubirous. At that time, the most prominent feature of the town was the fortified castle that rises up from a rocky escarpment at its centre. (Read more here)

Scene from the hill where pilgrims pray

After dinner, while some in my group could not wait to explore the town, I was ready to relax. No more exploring. I had not been online for two days by then and I was itching to check my emails and Facebook. I was glad I did not go out because I started feeling the exhaustion from the long bus ride and stops along the way. I was knocked out by 10:00 o'clock that night.

Next morning, I overheard someone say he was going wine shopping and that person knew exactly where to find it. He and his wife have been there before.

Being new to the community and not knowing anyone except he and his family, I asked if I could join them. Of course, he obliged and pulled along others who were interested in walking downtown with him.

By the day's end, I had made friends with a splendid group of people. Our common weakness - the yummiest cappuccino in town. We always found an excuse to end up in that shop (after fulfilling religious activities).

Cappuccino topped with the creamiest of cream I have ever
tasted and served with a piece of dark chocolate.

The weekend we were there happened to be the International Military weekend. It was such a treat taking in the sights and sounds of military from all over the world (well, almost). I have always admired men and women in military uniform and this was all exciting for me.

We left Lourdes tired but happy that we fulfilled our pilgrimage and extras on the way.

One final extra was exploring Carcassonne, a fortified city. More info here.

We arrived there just in time for lunch. While most of us sat down to eat, some of us did not want to miss a thing and had something on the go and explored the whole city.

One of the things that will always stand out in my memory is that one finds many positions to try and get comfortable in a long bus ride. With two seats each to ourselves, most of us did quite well. Towards the end I got tired of letting my legs hang out in the aisle. I contemplated putting them up against the window but that would warrant unwanted attention. So I told myself "a few more hours and I will be back on my comfortable bed." In fact, that was something we all looked forward to - back in our homes for a much-needed good, long nap.

My French Connection - Part 2

Figuring out the menu in French was a little challenging at first. However, as I glanced through the menu, I began remembering a few words and what little I knew of the language I translated for my lunch companions. It was not hard to figure out what dish one is going to order once one knows what are the French words for beef, chicken, pork and fish. We were all set on ordering what we wanted when minutes before the waitress arrived, I figured out the restaurant had lunch specials too. Lunch specials were considerably cheaper.

After lunch, we headed back to the bus in a rush thinking that we were holding up the others. We were told that we had until 1:00pm to eat something. When we got there, we found that half the bus load were still out there somewhere. I guess most of us opted out of fast food and went in search for a good meal at the restaurant.

We finally moved about 1:30pm and made our way to Avignon. We arrived at the City of Palace of the Popes by 6:00pm. I was so glad to have finally reached a destination where I could rest for the night. Sitting on the bus for another night would have been torturous.

Once we picked up our room keys from the coordinator, we were requested to be at the dining room by 7:00pm. As you can imagine, with less than an hour, I had no time to unpack. However, I desperately needed a shower to feel refreshed. And boy! it was a good one after more than 12 hours in the same clothes. I suppose many of us felt that way because when we met at dinner time, we all had a sigh of relief whenever the topic of shower came up.

It has been more than four months now since that trip to Avignon. I cannot remember what we ate but I have a photo of it. This is what we had for entree ...

... and this was the main meal.

After dinner, four of us at our dinner table, decided to walk around and take in the evening sights. We called it a night when we headed back to our rooms at 10:00pm. I believe I was knocked out by 11:00pm after making sure I got some pictures transferred to my laptop.

Next morning, after my shower, I headed out to the main square to take in the sights again and get more pictures. I was taking some pictures of myself when a kind stranger came up to me and offered to take one of me with the palace in the background.

After that, I headed back to the hotel for breakfast. We had about 3 hours after our meal to do a little touring around the city before checking out and continuing our journey to Lourdes. Off I went to the Palace of the Popes. Rich in history, I won't even know where to begin but you can read it here. :)


At 12:00 noon, we got back on our bus to make our way to Lourdes, catching in some sights of the city which we missed.

To be continued ...

Meme: Save Yvonne's Sight

I was not ready to come back from my break (having too much fun in Facebook) but after being tagged by Ruby Ahmad for the Save Yvonne's Sight Meme, I decided to return for a brief moment to share this story.

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Yvonne Foong Ming Niang received 'Her World Young Achiever 2008' (read here) award early this year, for she has achieved more than most people have done in a lifetime.

Her continuing fight against neurofibromatosis (NF) is legendary. Neurofibromatosis (NF) causes tumours to keep growing inside her body.

Yvonne has received a long list of awards for her tireless work to go on living & help others along the way, for she is a fighter, a feisty wonderful young lady.

To know more about Yvonne, here are some write ups:

Marina Mahathir has blogged about Yvonne : please read this

Sharon Bakar has also blogged about her plight before : please read this.

Yvonne is scheduled for an operation between 1st - 4th December 2009. She has lost her hearing and now faces losing her sight too. The cost of her surgery is USD44,000 or RM154,770 and cost of staying in hospital for two weeks is USD915 or RM3,219. She has to raise the funds by herself.

To date, she has raised about RM10,000 of this and is hoping to raise the rest by republishing her book I'm Not Sick; I'm Just a Bit Unwell in English and Chinese. The books are now available in Malaysian bookshops and from her web site store. She is also selling T-shirts at bazaars and via her web site store. You can read about her surgery and donate to her fund here

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You can also help by sending on this meme. If you do, please follow these meme rules:

1. Create a blog entry titled "Meme: Save Yvonne's Sight"

2. List three things you love to see. Add in the picture of Yvonne's book cover. The URL is http://www.yvonnefoong.com/images/banner/my-story.jpg

3. End with the line, "Yvonne Foong is in danger of losing her eyesight thanks to neurofibromatosis (NF). Please find out how you can help her by visiting her blog at http://www.yvonnefoong.com.

4. Tag 5 blog friends. Be sure to copy the rules, OK?

5. If you have a Facebook account, please check out Ellen's new invention, a "feme" pronounced FEEM, a meme designed for Facebook here. And if you want to blog about NF, that would be great too!

Three things I love to see:
(not in any particular order)

1 People learning to live with each other

2 Loved ones (family and friends)

3 Beauty of nature and all it has to offer

Unfortunately, I am not going to pin this on anyone (breaking one of the rules of this meme). I have not been in the blogsphere for some months and am unsure as to who is still active with blogging. So please, if anyone out there who would like to meme or feme this, feel free.

Yvonne Foong is in danger of losing her eyesight thanks to neurofibromatosis (NF).
Please find out how you can help her by visiting her blog at http://www.yvonnefoong.com