Letting go of 2011

Everyone goes through ups and downs in their lives. It is how we deal with it that determines the outcome. It is easier to deal with the ups because we are in a happy state and feel empowered. However, it is the downs that test our courage and determination.

2011 has been tumultuous year for me. I found myself questioning a lot about my future and making decisions that did not fall favourably with some people in my life but I felt I had to do something about it. No one else could change the situation that needed addressing except me. I also found out real truths that were hidden behind promises made to me previously. In this whole process, I learned and realised that I lost some things to gain others.


Some days I wake up feeling lonely and question my decision while other days I am raring to go because it feels right and am happy. When I am down, I look for inspiration to lift me up. It may be a phone call to a friend or just looking for something online to read. One of my sources of inspiration has been Tiny Wisdom (http://tinybuddha.com/) Today, I came across something that caused me to ponder:

40 Ways to Let Go and Feel Less Pain
(http://tinybuddha.com/blog/40-ways-to-let-go-and-feel-less-pain/)

From that list of 40, these struck me:

1. Change your perception—see the root cause as a blessing in disguise.

2. Cry it out. According to Dr. William Frey II, PH.D., biochemist at the Ramset Medical Center in Minneapolis crying away your negative feelings releases harmful chemicals that build up in your body due to stress.

3. Make a list of your accomplishments—even the small ones— and add to it daily. You’ll have to let go of a little discontentment to make space for this self satisfaction.

A little digression, if you will allow me. I have always been happy with my little accomplishments over the years. That is one thing I always had in me. It gave me hope that if I could do that, I am capable of bigger things. However, I cannot help but remember how some people used to dampen my high spirits. I recall one incident being overjoyed seeing three months' worth of salary on a bonus cheque. I felt my hard work had paid off and felt appreciated. However, that joy was quickly shot down when one of my colleagues (who, by the way, earned three times more than I did on any given month) said very proudly "Your bonus is nothing. I earn that amount every month."

I faced a similar situation recently. I was so proud of the fact that I could save up loose change and within a month stashed away about $100. That is quite an achievement for me seeing that I was never able to do that previously with pocket change. I felt I had accomplished something in life - as small as it looks to some. When I mentioned this to a friend, my joy was shortlived for a moment when she said "$100 is nothing. Mine is always double that." I told that friend that my earning power is not as big as hers.


After that instead of feeling inferior like the previous time with the bonus cheque issue, I remembered a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt - "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Coming back to the list of 40, here are other points that I find poignant:

4. Focus all your energy on something you can actually control, instead of dwelling on things you can’t.

5. Express your feelings through a creative outlet, like blogging or painting. Add this to your to-do list and cross it off when you’re done. This will be a visual reminder that you have actively chosen to release these feelings. (this inspired me to write today).

6. Remind yourself these are your only three options: remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it. These acts create happiness; holding onto bitterness never does.

7. Hang this statement somewhere you can see it. “Loving myself means letting go.”

8. Metaphorically release it. Write down all your stresses and toss the paper into your fireplace.
(I do not have a fireplace. So tearing it up will be just as good).

9. Replace your thoughts. Notice when you begin thinking about something that stresses you so you can shift your thought process to something more pleasant—like your passion for your hobby.

10.Laugh it out. Research shows that laughter soothes tension, improves your immune system, and even eases pain. If you can’t relax for long, start with just ten minutes watching a funny video on YouTube.

Going through the list does not fix me but it brings to light that situations do not have to remain bleak. It gives hope. It tells me that the sun will come up tomorrow.

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Gone Fishing

Oh dear! It has been exactly two months since I've returned to my blog. I have nothing much to update here. I have vowed to stay away from unhappy things. That means ...

... no opinion on:

1. Politics! Current situations and policies make me unhappy. Hence, no comment.
“Politics, n: Poly "many" + tics "blood-sucking parasites”

2. Friends - fair-weathered ones.
"Do not make someone a priority in your life when you are only an option in theirs"

I am happily involved with my favourite all-time game on Facebook - Farm Town. The other games on FB are just to fill in time while I wait for crops to grow, facilities to produce and Farm Town developers to keep upgrading. :)

I am also enjoying the weather now. Finally, thawed myself out after a long winter.

I will be back soon ... hmmm... ok, probably in about a month or two.

"GONE FISHING"


HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY USA!

Loneliness

“The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.” - Mother Teresa

Seems like even though you know that you are loved most of the times, there are times when loneliness sets in and you feel unloved. Everyone is so busy with their lives that you think you don't exist to anyone. You want to reach out to someone, then you change your mind because you feel you might be imposing on them or you are just too embarass to admit you need someone. It gets frustrating because you just don't have anyone to talk to and you start feeling so hopeless and crushed. You feel you cannot breathe because that feeling of loneliness is so stifling. Then you just stay there with laboured breath waiting for someone to notice and pick you up. Sadly, sometimes, no one cares. You feel rejected when they reach out to people who seem to not need it. They go merrily on their way not noticing that you are now curled on the floor with no more strength to ask for help.

Then suddenly something inside you jolts you to reality. The survivor in you tells you that you have to pick yourself up and say "this too shall pass". You realise for others to reach out to you, you must first reach out to them but you cannot possibly do that when you are feeling so down. So, you have to cast that low feeling aside. And then you say your first hello after that dark episode with that person not knowing what pain you just went through because it has passed.

“We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.” - Orson Welles

Memories of 2009

Soon, it will be a year since we moved back to Germany. We arrived in the dead of winter and went through all four seasons. Well, almost all four. We were short changed this year. We barely had a decent summer and it seemed mother nature decided to jump straight into winter. 2009 has been a good year, on the whole.

Coming back to a familiar territory made it easier for me to adapt compared to the first time in 2001. Language wasn't too much of a barrier this time. I remember not having a clue how to order in a restaurant back then and got by with hand signs and a book. Driving around wasn't a challenge either. We used to get by with maps before and now, apart from being familiar with some roads, we depend on the GPS to bring us to places we have not ventured to before.

I delved into gardening this year and had a blast of a time discovering the beauty and yield of trees and plants that the landlord left behind for us. It was a treat to pick cherries, plums and blackberries from my garden. Apart from that, I enjoyed seeing the change of colours over the months with the different kinds of flowers that adorned my garden. With a few months' worth of trial and error taking care of my garden, I am looking forward to next Spring to try out new things.

2009 was a memorable year in terms of re-connecting with old friends, relatives (some long lost) and making new ones. Facebook took up a lot of my time. I was hooked on word games like Word Twist and Scramble. Then, I moved on to farming games like Farm Town, Farm Ville and (Lil) Farm. Lately, Cafe World and Mafia Wars have stolen hours of my life. :) It is fun being able to play this games with family and some friends. Suddenly my world does not seem so vast. Almost everyone is just a click away. I could have used this kind of contact when I first moved away from Malaysia. It would have soothe my aching heart from missing my loved ones.

A wedding took place in the family too and I was fortunate to visit Malaysia twice this year. Once in July and another time in October. Apart from the excitement being with family again, sometimes emptiness set in. The void that no one else can fill except my late parents. I missed them at family dinners and especially during the wedding reception. One thing I know for sure, mom and dad would have loved my brother's bride. He couldn't have chosen a more delightful woman to be his partner.

I have learned and re-learned many things in 2009 and one of it is to always be thankful for what I have - family, friends and things that make my life comfortable.

My French Connection - Final Part

Note: Gosh! A thousand apologies for this late update. Thank you, my friends, for leaving comments. It has been so difficult for me to blog when I had other distractions these past few months.

While I was folding some clothes in the laundry room this evening, I told myself that I have to write the final part, no matter how short it is, and end the story of my journey in France earlier this year.

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We arrived Lourdes around 6:00pm. Once we received our room keys, we dispersed very quickly. Indeed, we were in need of another good shower and change of clothing before dinner.

A brief information about this place:

Lourdes is a commune in the Hautes-Pyrénées department in south-western France. It is a small market town lying in the foothills of the Pyrenees, famous for the Marian apparitions of Our Lady of Lourdes that are reported to have occurred in 1858 to Bernadette Soubirous. At that time, the most prominent feature of the town was the fortified castle that rises up from a rocky escarpment at its centre. (Read more here)

Scene from the hill where pilgrims pray

After dinner, while some in my group could not wait to explore the town, I was ready to relax. No more exploring. I had not been online for two days by then and I was itching to check my emails and Facebook. I was glad I did not go out because I started feeling the exhaustion from the long bus ride and stops along the way. I was knocked out by 10:00 o'clock that night.

Next morning, I overheard someone say he was going wine shopping and that person knew exactly where to find it. He and his wife have been there before.

Being new to the community and not knowing anyone except he and his family, I asked if I could join them. Of course, he obliged and pulled along others who were interested in walking downtown with him.

By the day's end, I had made friends with a splendid group of people. Our common weakness - the yummiest cappuccino in town. We always found an excuse to end up in that shop (after fulfilling religious activities).

Cappuccino topped with the creamiest of cream I have ever
tasted and served with a piece of dark chocolate.

The weekend we were there happened to be the International Military weekend. It was such a treat taking in the sights and sounds of military from all over the world (well, almost). I have always admired men and women in military uniform and this was all exciting for me.

We left Lourdes tired but happy that we fulfilled our pilgrimage and extras on the way.

One final extra was exploring Carcassonne, a fortified city. More info here.

We arrived there just in time for lunch. While most of us sat down to eat, some of us did not want to miss a thing and had something on the go and explored the whole city.

One of the things that will always stand out in my memory is that one finds many positions to try and get comfortable in a long bus ride. With two seats each to ourselves, most of us did quite well. Towards the end I got tired of letting my legs hang out in the aisle. I contemplated putting them up against the window but that would warrant unwanted attention. So I told myself "a few more hours and I will be back on my comfortable bed." In fact, that was something we all looked forward to - back in our homes for a much-needed good, long nap.